Your children will be affected by your separation, whether they are 13 or 35. Family estrangements can sometimes occur after a separation. Below, we set out our 10 tips to ensure you protect your relationships with your kids as much as possible.
You love your kids. Now is the time to show that.
Your children will be affected by your separation, whether they are 13 or 35. Family estrangements can sometimes occur after a separation when separating parents behave badly. This isn’t rocket science but we encourage you to make this as easy on your children as possible. Yes they are adults (or almost). But they are still your children.
Below, we set out our 10 tips to ensure you protect your relationships with your kids as much as possible. It’s important to separate well, for them and for you.
For the record – we aren’t a fan of staying in relationships “for the kids”. That just teaches your child that dysfunctional relationships or unhappy marriages are OK. You want more for them then that. And we want more for you than that.
1) Make a solid plan for breaking the news
- Ideally tell your kids in person with everyone there (all of the kids, you and your ex). If you tell one child before the others – you may lose control of the message.
- If you can’t talk in person – be sensible. Don’t text or Facebook this news.
- Time the conversation so they aren’t rushing off to something important.
- Plan what you are going to say – they will probably ask for the logic behind your separation. You’ll probably need to repeat yourself a bit.
- Tell your children that you and your ex both love them very much and that will never change.
2) Don't go into detail
Your kids don’t need to know who cheated, who lied, who was controlling, who refused to talk, who didn’t want to travel, who refused counselling etc. Let your child(ren) guide the conversation through their questions. Avoid offering information that hasn’t been expressly requested. Keep a close eye on their body language and listen more than you talk. Assure your child that while this is really sad, both you and your ex are going to be okay, your family will be okay and everything will get figured out.
3) Tell them it's not their fault
Children can be irrational (even as adults). They will probably need to hear this from you. Otherwise they may blame themselves for the end of your relationship and the structure of their family having to change. Blame = not helpful.
This is particularly important if your child(ren):
- are still living at home,
- have only recently left,
- are taking the break up hard; or
- may have tried to stop you separating earlier.
“You say it best, when you say nothing at all”
– Ronan Keating
Listen to your kids. Make space for them and their feelings. Skip the trauma dump.
4) Accept their reaction
They need to grieve. Their family is changing and they can’t control that. They may be hurt, angry, sad or totally okay with it. Keep your head high and let your kid feel what they need to feel. Encourage them to seek their own support – whether through their friends or a therapist. Check in every now and again with how they are doing about the separation, even if they seem totally okay.
5) Put your oxygen mask on first
Your separation is not easy, and neither is dealing with your child’s reaction. You don’t have to like it but you do have to accept it. Be gentle with yourself, as well as your children. Please don’t isolate yourself. Get really good at self-care. Engage in activities that fill your cup up – exercise and hobbies are great. If you don’t have any hobbies, find some. A rewarding hobby is something you love – not something you do out of obligation. Dating apps are not a hobby. Avoid substances – booze, drugs, greasy foods – and make sure you are getting enough sleep.
6) Your child is not your friend or your therapist
Maintain that boundary, even if your child wants to pry. Your child is not your dumping ground for your feelings about the separation or their parent, and they should never be asked for any advice. Vent to anyone else. Don’t make them feel like they need to pick a side. Honour the parent-child relationship.
“When there are kids involved, there's no such thing as divorce.”
– Carl Whitaker
Wait 24 hours before sending that text or email (then delete it). Your ex will always be in your life if you have children together. Try not to make future birthdays and weddings any harder on yourself.
7) Never bad mouth your ex. Like ever
Your children will try to figure out who is most at fault and will likely want to blame that person. Don’t buy into this. Your children will be trying to figure out who they are and how their family will work now that you and your ex are no longer together.
You can’t control what your ex does or doesn’t do – but you can control your own words and actions. Be the bigger person. Your kids will find your break up easier for it.
8) No guilt trips either
Sometimes your children will want (or need) to support your ex – especially if they have mental health issues or financial problems. It’s natural to feel a bit of jealousy. Don’t let it show.
9) Think about Xmas
Make a plan for upcoming celebrations – birthdays, weddings, Christmas. If shared family time simply isn’t possible (you know your new family dynamics best), try your best to keep the celebrations physically close together. Don’t make your children pick who they spend the day with. That’s yuck.
10) Play the long game
Take it from us – there are no winners or losers in separations – no matter what Hollywood tells you. In time, you will have an opportunity to build even stronger relationships with your children. Don’t lose hope or react badly, even if they decide they need some distance for a while.
Disclaimer: Yes we are lawyers but this is clearly not legal advice. Don’t sue us. Just love your kids well. Cheers.
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